A Letter To My FIFO Husband About Homes, Kids and Messes

This post contains sage advice for all husbands!

This is the last week of my husband’s time away. It’s almost 4 weeks since he left and he’ll be back Saturday night.

It wasn’t all beer and skittles last time he was home, everyone was too stressed and it took us all a while to settle down.

Hoping for a better few weeks together, I’ve sent him this email.

Now then my darling,

You may recall that there were a few contretemps when you came back home in December.

There might even have been some misunderstandings and frustrations, rantings and ravings even.

Minor skirmishes in the endless battle of the sexes.

Here’s a wee tiny bit of advice for you before you get back, under the header:

What To Say And Do When You Don’t Like The Mess At Home – A Primer For Husbands

Bear in mind that it’s a tough gig being home alone with these four youngsters we have created.

Some mess, well even quite a lot of mess, is the least of my problems.

And the thing is, as I ranted last time, often I just don’t see it.

The piles of books, the heaps of old clothes, the dusty boxes of story tapes, the odd bits of furniture lying around. It all just blends into the chaos of day to day life here at Casa Catastrophe. Things held on by bits of string.

I’m used to it. I don’t even see it.

I see no mess here. Can you see one? That’s just a small amount of reading material.

I know it’s hard for you. You have worked for 28 days straight in a highly organised office, which is neat and orderly and where people more or less do as they are told. It’s tidy, it’s clean, your food is made for you, your clothes are washed for you.

It’s full of blokes all being blokes and not really nattering away or demanding you do art and craft. Or play cricket for hours.

I know that coming from that to the madness of our home life must be a SHOCK.

Look, I have made some efforts. December is the maddest month and I was just too busy to tidy anything for anybody.

But early February is a great time for a bit of post school holiday de-cluttering. So our bedroom has no random messes, I will even pick up all my undies from the en suite floor.

The grass will be cut, the windows washed, your car will be tidy and clean-ish.

But could you please try to be tolerant too.

There will be mess you can’t bear. Please don’t hesitate to bring this up but wait at least 48 hours and phrase it thus:

‘I’m finding this mess in here a bit annoying, how can I help you to sort it out?’

At no point should you say:

‘This house looks like a student flat!’

That’s just going too far and anyway it’s a grossly inaccurate statement. Has your memory gone?

Inflammatory statements along those lines will result in me swanning off and staying for a night in the Hilton.

You have been warned!!

Your ever lovely de facto wife

PS Bethany is heading off to New Zealand for the three weeks you are home. Hers are large shoes to fill but I am sure you will do your utmost with the washing, driving, tidying, cooking, packing lunches and the endless, endless washing up of dirty dishes.

PPS Please DO NOT OPEN THE GARAGE DOOR. There are no cars in there, or if there are I can’t see them beind the piles of cardboard boxes, drum kits, ping pong table etc

PPPS Also no need for you to look at the Visa bills, no need at all!

Does your husband whinge if the house was messy?